Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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