He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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