I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
