you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
