you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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