I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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