Banned from zoo.
Again?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
