Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
