Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize