god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
