Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
