I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize