I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
