Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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