never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It's shark week go big or go home
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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