they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
