before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize