dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize