I swear god or herbie drove my car home
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
