I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
