y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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