There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
is wine microwaveable?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
