I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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