Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
