Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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