I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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