guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
no you cant smoke seaweed
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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