I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize