I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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