we're chasing vodka with high fives
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
