JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize