I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
