I accidentally had phone sex last night
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
