The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Randomize
