Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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