He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
