I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize