there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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