we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
