I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
