I wish my penis had an off switch
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
