I could have mohawked her pubes.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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