Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
