God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Randomize
