I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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