So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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