Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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