If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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