Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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