i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
