I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i think i have herpe
just one?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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