and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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