party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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