Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
